When "I'm Sorry" is a RESCUE Mission

One of if not the hardest things to do in any relationship is to apologize. The words "I'm sorry" have tremendous weight. And yet, not saying the words can be an even heavier weight to bear. The band Chicago says it best. "It's hard for me to say I'm sorry."

I was searching through videos online for something funny. Instead, I wound up listening to a talk a woman was giving about her husband leaving her and her special needs son because the now ex-husband couldn't handle the challenges of this family dynamic. She mentioned how she is not able to find it in herself to forgive him even though she has found some peace. I was reminded what my son said to me a few years back about how he needed to hear an apology from a certain someone in our lives who hurt all of us before he can forgive them - an apology that to my knowledge has yet to happen.

I searched through other videos on forgiveness. Rarely did I find a reference to the person who did the harm as having asked for the forgiveness when it was offered. Huh.

It occurred to me that I also have granted forgiveness to people who have hurt me severely without getting an apology. I need to stop here a moment. I am not saying no one has apologized to me. Plenty of people have throughout my life. However, I have a pattern of not waiting for an apology before forgiving.

In general, in the world of self-help, we are leaving apologies mostly off the table. We are diving directly into forgiving. Is that fair? No and yes.

It is not fair to require someone to forgive another person when the damage is still being done. If the wounds are still fresh, then asking someone to forgive without a real apology is extremely unfair. That's a form of victim blaming, especially when combined with the whole forgive and forget mindset which I entirely dismiss as needed for healing. One should forgive and learn, not forgive and forget.

It is fair when the damage is well past and it's time to get that wound healed up. In that case, it's less about forgiving the wrong-doer and more about releasing oneself from having to revisit the pain. "You did this. Even though you have not taken responsibility, I release you from it anyway, and now I can get on with my life in peace without you having such a prominent role."

The beautiful thing about forgiveness without the apology is that the forgiving is an open invitation to the person who did the wrong to take responsibility without all of the potential repercussions one would normally expect. It's a loving gesture too often rejected. Why? Pride? Fear? Lack of maturity? A belief that they did no wrong; or, worse, have the right to inflict that harm?

Or, maybe they see the forgiveness as nothing more than a jab at them. Well, it could be. An "I forgive you" in a sarcastic tone would fit that scenario.

Maybe they want to apologize, but they don't feel safe enough to do it. Maybe their expectation is they will be shamed or ridiculed or flat out rejected. Hurt. Let's be honest. People who feel the need to apologize also feel the depth of accusations and judgements. There is a lot of anger happening in the world today, a lot of pointing fingers and using terms like narcissist a bit too easily.

Thing is, forgiving cannot be complete without a heartfelt apology. It can only be symbolic for the one who was hurt so they can put an expiration date on it and move forward in life. However, a true apology can be salve on that wound to help heal faster or smooth over the scar. It is necessary for full healing to overcome these fears and shames and make the apology if at all possible.

A true sign of an emotionally mature individual is one who can say, "I'm sorry," and whole-heartedly mean it. Nonetheless, apologizing is hard. Have we made it harder than it used to be? Are we so prone to attacking someone who wronged us that we make it almost impossible for them to make things right? It doesn't have to be that way.

Patterned abusers and people with criminal personalities are not capable of meaning it. This blog post is not for them or about them. I'm talking about relationships where we want an ongoing healthy relationship but our human nature of making mistakes have gotten in the way. I am not suggesting we tolerate criminal behavior. Some relationships should and must come to an abrupt end. This is for people who have made mistakes because we are all human and feel the need to make amends and make lasting changes to prevent it from happening again.

The ability to apologize is not predicated on intellectual intelligence. Anyone can say the words. People generally know when they have done wrong. What is necessary is the emotional ability to accept personal responsibility when another person expresses physical and/or emotional pain. Responsibility is one required ingredient. Another is humility. The humility to accept that I am capable of screwing up is paramount. All of us are capable of screwing up.

An apology is not some cosmic art form only for the gifted. It's not some divine talent only for those with incredible communication styles. Apologies are required for healthy relationships. They don't come naturally. They need practice just like everything else in life.

In this divided state we seem to find ourselves in these day, have we lost the ability to say, "I'm sorry," and mean it? Are we all so intent on being right when there is a disagreement that we no longer care about the needs of those closest to us? Are we too afraid to appear vulnerable that the words simply won't come out? If these are true, then we have also lost the real definition of love: willing the good of the other.

Maybe you are someone who wants to say you are sorry, but you don't know how so the apology will be accepted? Maybe you've done something so egregious that you don't believe you deserve to be forgiven? Regardless if the other party will forgive you, if you know you have done wrong, then they deserve the opportunity to forgive. Thing is, you have to mean it. A flippant, "I'm sorry," is not going to do.

It is absolutely possible that the injured party will not forgive. That is their choice. The most loving thing that can be done is to give them that choice and abide by it.

After studying Lysa Terkheurst's "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," Dr. Harriet Lerner's "Why won't You Apologize," reading multiple books from Brene Brown, reading books from multiple other religious figures including but not limited to Christianity, my own coaching experiences in both giving and receiving, and listening to multiple podcasts from various people specifically on apologizing, I've created my own program to simplify to process of what is in fact a complicated but necessary thing to do. I call it RESCUE because whenever we whole-heartedly apologize, we are attempting to rescue something. We either want to rescue a relationship, a specific situation, our own integrity, the other person's feelings, something. Apologies are a type of rescue mission.

RESCUE:

R - Responsibility

E - Empathy

S - Specifics

C - Change

U - Understand

E - Expectations

On Tuesday, October 21, 2025, I am releasing a special The Humor In Chaos Podcast episode where I dive into the reasons why apologizing is important and how to make a heartfelt apology using my RESCUE method. I go through each one individually after I discuss reasons why people don't apologize, why we should apologize, and when we should not apologize.

The words, "I am sorry," have immense potential to restore broken relationships. Maybe not in the immediate moment, but they are the best way to at least get the door to open.

As the saying goes, "Do the crime; do the time." If someone in your life is hurting because of something you said or did regardless of your intentions, take the time to contemplate what you did, how they feel, and how this relationship can be patched. If it can't be patched, then at least see about giving that person the freedom to move on in true peace.

If you are in need of support as you attempt to apologize to someone, send me an email at humorinchaos@gmail.com to schedule three, one hour each, one-on-one sessions plus a follow-up session in my RESCUE program.

In these sessions, I will walk through these steps with you one by one so you can be better prepared for your own rescue mission.

Don't miss The Humor In Chaos Podcast episode all about apologies on Tuesday, October 21st, 2025.

Thank you for reading,

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

Send me an email at humorinchaos@gmail.com

Find me at www.humorinchaos.com where you can also find my Humor In Chaos Podcast.

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