Are You Sitting On a Nail?

I had a text conversation this morning with a friend of mine who was telling me about a friendship she is attempting to foster but seems to be going south. She told me that she has been attempting to utilize memes on Facebook to try and motivate this friend to make changes in their life.

We all do that, don't we? We recognize a negative pattern in someone else's life, and we do what we think is best to try and nudge or prod someone along to make the necessary changes to improve their lives. We attempt to motivate them.

It is an unfortunate aspect of us humans that we too easily recognize problems with those around us while not recognizing problems we have in our own lives.

I remember being in the support group of ladies during all of our shared separation/divorce situations talking about this. It was easier to see when one of us was heading in the wrong direction while having troubles recognizing the same mistakes in ourselves individually. It's an aspect of cognitive dissonance that we all have as humans. It's hard to look within and see what isn't working. It's much easier to look out at the others around us and see their mistakes. This doesn't make us less empathetic or uncaring. It's just how we are wired for self-protection.

Ever hear the one about finger pointing? Point a finger at someone, and notice three of my own are pointing right back at me. Very often what we criticize about someone else is actually a flaw in ourselves we are projecting.

External motivation does not work. In fact, attempts to external motivate another person to make personal changes, even if right, only leads to building up walls.

Here is a story example I got from a friend of mine years ago. This friend is not in the self-help industry, but it's some of the wisest advice I've ever heard and I use it often. I don't know where he got the story from. It's an oldy but goody.

There was an old farmer man sitting on his front porch. Next to him was his hound dog lying there howling as if in some pain. Another old farmer man walking along the road stops and asks, "What is wrong with your dog? Why is he lying there howling?"

"Because he is in pain," responded the farmer on the porch.

"Why is he in pain?"

"Because he is lying on an old rusty nail sticking out from the floor boards."

"Why doesn't he get up and move?"

"Because he isn't in enough pain to do it."

The moral of the story is, there is nothing wrong with the dog. He could easily get up, adjust himself, roll in the other direction, do something to alleviate himself of his burden. He doesn't because even though it hurts, he is just comfortable enough to stay in that position. It doesn't hurt enough to motivate himself to physically move.

One could argue that the farmer could force the dog to move. But the dog will probably not appreciate being forced to move from his place of comfort even though the nail is bothersome. He's in only a bit of discomfort, just enough to howl.

Motivation is internal. It is not external. Each of us individually make our choices of whether or not our circumstances are painful enough to change our own positions. If not, we don't move.

This is also why people often find themselves back in the same place they were before. For example, people who have been in and out of relationships ask themselves why they always seem to choose the same kind of partners going through the same negative dynamics. I.E. - revolving door partnerships. It's because we always go back to what feels comfortable even when comfortable comes with some pain, just enough pain to feel normal. Normal typically means re-creating what we experienced as children. To really change, to truly seek lasting change, it's got to hurt enough to do the work to go back, recognize those patterns, and heal them.

Reading books and listening to podcasts are not enough. I've had clients say this to me, and I've even said it to myself at times, "How is it that I know all this stuff, but I haven't been able to make any lasting changes?"

Because real change takes real action. It takes putting what I know into tangible actions such as exercise, journaling, holding a book, shutting off the tv, whatever action it is that is necessary.

Real action requires a different kind of pain, the pain of growth. Growth is stretching beyond comfortable. Growth hurts. Once the growth happens, then the real feelings of satisfaction and peace take place. The pain of not moving versus the pain of moving. We choose our pain.

What if that person is in dire need of changing? What if the rusty nail is protruding deep into the skin? Wait for them to ask. Change perspective and understand we don't know what is really going on deep inside that person. We also don't know if that person is already looking to make a change for themselves and have not disclosed it to others. If it's to the point of abusive, then utilize boundaries to protect the self, not to control them.

What is the rusty nail you have found yourself comfortable lying on? What's digging under your skin that you have the capacity to change? What's holding you back?

Thank you for reading,

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

Send me an email at humorinchaos@gmail.com

Find me at www.humorinchaos.com where you can also find my Humor In Chaos Podcast.

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