Are You a Sore Winner?

I am a sports fan, particularly of Minnesota pro teams, and particularly when they have winning seasons and don’t trade off the bulk of their best players mid-season on a pretty darn good year. Minnesota Twins, Minnesota Vikings, I love ya! Even when you lose.

Sports in life, team and individual, from young children still learning ABCs on up to mature adults playing pickleball, is healthy in multiple ways - emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc. Sports teach important life lessons. Like all good things in life, too much can be a hazard.

The concept of winning in life can be bothersome to me when it becomes a mantra that reigns in all areas for those overly dedicated to the concept. For much of life, I agree with it. Winning over an opponent, winning over a severe health challenge such as beating cancer, winning over a bad financial situation, etc.

The concept of winning typically means something or someone else must lose. And that’s where I take issue at times. Too often people who are intent on winning in all things take it into every aspect of life even to the detriment of their relationships.

For example, parents playing games with their children. For the most part, this is a wonderful activity. Games create opportunities for bonding and for teaching especially for teaching how to win or lose with the right attitude. Here is the issue. If the adult isn’t in the right mindset for winning or losing, with the right attitude, not only is the lesson not taught, but the bonding opportunity is lost or even damaged.

This was a problem for me growing up. I went from wanting to play games to hating games. There were older people in my life who when playing games with me had a positive mental attitude about it and those who decidedly did not. Playing games became for some an opportunity to display unhealthy levels of dominance over me. Playing games with them was scary. It wasn’t until I had a family of my own that I learned games could be played in a healthy and nurturing way even with winners and losers. There are some people and some circumstances where I just don’t play.

What does it mean to be a sore loser or winner? Everyone knows what a sore loser looks like. It’s the person who lost, picks up the ball, and goes home; or, the person who loses and swipes all the game pieces off the board in a flourish. A sore winner is a little more complicated to describe but not too hard to detect. It’s the show-off who goes above and beyond by turning around and rubbing it in the nose of the one who lost.

The proper way to win or lose is with grace. As someone who watches professional sports, I’m seeing that life skill less. That’s too bad considering all the children paying close attention.

I remember years ago, early 1990s I believe, when Dennis Rodman once publicly said, not a direct quote because I am going entirely from memory, “I am not a mentor.” It was during the controversy when he was spending time with Kim Jung Un in North Korea.

I heard that back then and thought, “Yes, you are. We all are.” At no time is any one of us immune from someone younger looking to us for guidance by example. Even a ten year old child can be observed and learned from by a four year old. We are all mentoring someone else whether we know it or not. Therefore, there are times when an “I win!” attitude should be shelved.

In another example is in personal relationships, when inevitable arguments ensue. No relationship is without issues. We are human. Any relationship that is without issues is a surface relationship only. Because none of us are perfect, conflicts exist.

In any argument or dispute, if one or both are so engrossed in a so-called winning attitude, then the next inevitable thing to happen is a relationship brick in the wall between. Taking down a brick is a great deal more complex than putting one up. Marital relationships, parent-child, friendships, and co-workers too. The more bricks, the less quality in the relationship. Too many bricks, no more relationship. Eventually, someone will walk away. How is that winning?

Taking this one step further in marriage or other relationships, consider the concept of splitting the ambivalence. What does that mean?

Splitting the ambivalence often happens in disputes. This is often seen in news commentary shows where experts debate a topic. Two (or more) people may have differing opinions on a particular subject. Most likely, neither of them is 100% on board with one side of the issue over the other side. They probably have some mixed feelings about it. Ambivalence is having more than one feeling or opinion about something, and those feelings or opinions may be in competition with each other, such as may love having the companionship of a pet cat but hate the destructive nature of the very same cat when it tears up the furniture.

When splitting the ambivalence, each person will argue 100% for one side because they sense that the other person is 100% in the opposition. That may or may not be true. The other person might also by splitting the ambivalence. It's sort of like an internal mental switch that thinks it's keeping a dispute balanced when that might not be necessary.

If someone has a winning at all costs attitude going into a dispute, the natural switch of splitting the ambivalence may go into overdrive. This can be seen when people vehemently argue for a position on a topic deep down they know nothing about. They must win regardless of the costs. This is a fast way of building walls. Multiple bricks go up. No one wants to attempt communication with someone with this mindset. It's out of balance.

Competition can be taken too far. I’ve seen parents compete with their children in life instead of share life out of jealousy over lost opportunities or a need to feel young. Instead of one-upping your own child, how about having pride in your child’s accomplishments?

That takes me to competing parents. I’ve been guilty of this. Parent One: “My child did such and such.” Parent Two: “Well, let me tell you what my child did.” It’s great to share stories and be happy for each other. It’s not great to base our own self-worth in the accomplishments of our children. Those are their accomplishments no matter how much we sacrificed in raising them, and then holding those accomplishments over the heads of other parents in competition. Ugh! More walls built between adult friends. What a waste.

When is the best time to have a winning attitude? With yourself, in sports and in life. An “I win!” attitude is best when the opponent is the old you that needs to be overcome. Even then, it’s important to not be a sore winner. Sometimes our internal opponents come back around. That old you is still a part of you that never completely goes away no matter how hard they were vanquished. That is still you, and you deserve grace.

Bottom line, go for the gold. Keep the attitude in check. Your relationships may depend on it.

Thanks for reading!

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

Shoot me an email at humorinchaos@gmail.com

Find me at www.humorinchaos.com where you can also find my Humor In Chaos Podcast.

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