"Why?"

In the past, I have used a specific analogy to discuss when it is time to reconsider family traditions. Today, I want to take the analogy in the opposite direction.

The original analogy, that I heard as an Anthropology student eons ago, goes like this:

A young girl was watching her mother make a roast for Easter dinner. She watched carefully as her mother chopped the vegetables, put them in the bottom of the roasting pan, added water and seasoning, and then took the meat from the counter. Before putting the roast into the pan with the vegetables, she first put it on the cutting board and cut off about a fourth of the meat and set it aside.

The curious daughter asked, “Mommy, why did you cut off part of the meat?”

The relatively young mother responded, “Because that is what my mother did.”

“But why?”

The mother contemplated a moment and answered, “It’s tradition.”

As the day went on, the mother continued to think this over. Later, she called her mother. “Mom,” she started as her mother answered the phone. “Why did you cut off part of the roast whenever we had pot roast for Easter?”

“Well,” the mother responded surprised by the question. “It’s what we’ve always done. My mother did it, and my grandmother too. It’s tradition.”

“I understand it’s tradition, but how did it start?”

“I don’t know.”

That mother went to her mother whom she was caring for full time. “Mother, why did you always cut off part of the roast when we had pot roast for dinner? Grandma did it too, didn’t she?”

“Of course she did, and so did I.”

“Why? What was the point of this tradition?”

“Tradition? It wasn’t tradition. Her favorite pan she used for making pot roast that she handed down to me was too small for the roast. It had to be cut to fit the pan.”

There are different variations of this story, but I’m sure you get the picture.

Often, traditions begin for the most basic reasons and should be questioned now and then as future generations face a different future. However, that does not mean all traditions should take a hike.

At this time of year, the major holiday season, young adults starting life on their own are coming more into conflict with their aging parents on the changing times and the need for traditions. Parents feel abandonment issues as their children dispense with the things they held dear emotionally.

Traditions do have a role to play in maintaining family connections, heritage, and even at times moral values passed down from generation to generation. The hope is that as time goes on, those traditions get maintained to get the good stuff out of them and changed enough for the bad stuff to dissipate.

Too much change at once can create family conflict. Sometimes necessarily, most times not. Arguments ensue. Feelings get hurt. No contact can end up being the buzzword for years to come.

The thing is, those very traditions if given space to adjust and evolve can also be the glue that holds families together.

For example, what if the exact same story above becomes something like this:

The little girl has now grown. She has a spouse and a child of her own. She takes the handed down pot that for generations was used to make pot roast for Easter, loaded with vegetables and the meat slowly making a gravy in the bottom. It has been well seasoned through the years.

Now, this grown daughter has adjusted the accidental family tradition into taking that cut off portion of meat, cooking it up a special way, and feeding it to give their pet a special celebratory meal of its own.

Or maybe it goes like this:

This grown daughter has made the decision to raise her child as a vegetarian. Instead of making pot roast, she makes a ratatouille in the beloved pot, and has a brand new tradition of her and her daughter purchasing extra vegetables and donating them to the local food bank on special holidays while taking the time to talk to her daughter about the generations of women who used this particular pot to feed the family and how loving and strong those women are/were.

As children grow, if and when they marry, if and when they have children of their own, traditions evolve.

I remember when I looked to meld together my favorite family traditions with those of my then husband. It caused chaos on both sides of the family, particularly where we would celebrate each holiday. It was important to me that my children woke up to gifts from Santa under our tree in our own home whenever possible. For the first couple of years that didn’t go over too well with my then mother-in-law. Over time, the traditions evolved into patterns that fit for everyone. In other words, we found ways to compromise and create new, melded traditions.

Relationships take intention and practice. Lower expectations as much as possible. Respect each other’s spiritual beliefs as much as possible. Traditions are a wonderful way to pass down heritage, generational love and values, and keep those who have gone before us alive in our hearts.

Remember that love is the reason for the season, every season.

Thank you for reading,

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

Send me an email at humorinchaos@gmail.com

Find me at www.humorinchaos.com where you can also find my Humor In Chaos Podcast.

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