How to Take a Punch to the Gut

Quick update on myself before I write the actually blog post: Hi, everyone! I’m not dead yet. I’m gearing myself up to resume writing. I am working on a big writing project. I am praying this one continues its current trajectory. I am keeping the podcast on hold for now. I do have some thoughts on it for the future.

In the meantime, while I wax and wane on the amount of pushing I do to myself, I want to write up a post about use of the word “no.”

Yes, I have already written and talked plenty about “no” being a complete sentence and have made many a suggestion for people to use it more often, especially for setting personal boundaries when others want us to do things we don’t want to do. I wanted to take the opportunity to discuss this tool from the other perspective.

How does one take that punch to the gut? When someone says “no” to us, how do we respond?

Let’s break up this question: How DO I respond to “no?” How CAN I respond? How SHOULD I respond?

Do those all seem like the same question? They are not. Those three small words, when highlighted and interchanged, make a big difference on the meaning of the basic question.

How do I respond when someone says “no” to me? What is my normal go-to response? Do I immediately take it as a personal attack? Do I get defensive? Do I question their right to deny me or disagree with me? What are my habits around this? What in my past, particularly my childhood, leads me to this automatic response?

How can I respond to someone when they say “no” to me? Am I capable of waiting before responding? Can I challenge myself to try and see the other person’s point of view before forming a judgment? Do I even have the right to challenge that person on their “no?” Am I granting them the autonomy they deserve as a human being to deny me or disagree with me? Is this dispute worth the mental energy?

How should I respond? This is a big one these days because of our contentious political environment. We seem to be living in an era where having a different opinion about something is seen as a character flaw or even as the definition of a personal enemy. Should we?

We are capable of having polite differences of opinion. It takes an open mind, an open heart, clear personal boundaries, and basic respect. Bearing that in mind, how should one respond to the use of the word “no?”

If someone says “no” and that adds work for me, do I have other alternatives, or did I have too many expectations on this one person to do my bidding?

I have spent the winter saying “no” a lot to others, but, more importantly, to myself. Pushing to do more to meet the expectations of others has gotten me into more trouble with my own body than I care to relive, this past winter being one of those many repercussions of pushing myself beyond my capabilities. When I don’t consciously say “no” to myself, bet your ass my body will do it for me. Lupus is a harsh frenemy. I pay the price, and so do those trying to help me and secretly (not always so secretly) wishing I would just sit myself down and take naps and take my meds. (True, but a joke as well, my back is currently saying “no” to me about this chair I am sitting on as I write. Oy.)

My body was telling me “no” about all the projects I had going on at once at a time of year that is already hard on me last fall. I had a growing podcast and trying to run a coaching business, not to mention getting out and making friends in my new community. It was all too much. Like many people with chronic illnesses like mine, I cannot do whatever it is I want to do. I must take things at a much slower pace with a great deal of thoughtfulness and planning. When I go too far and don’t listen to my body, it has the ability to shout out its needs to me. I wasn’t respecting my own boundaries.

When my body said, “Listen, Lady. The answer to all you are trying to do is NO!” I had to stop and think about how to respond to this.

I do a lot of apologizing to others when I say I am going to do something and then must cancel. Thank God, I am surrounded by people in my life who have seen enough that they get it. There are times when I need to apologize to myself, too. Because I do so much apologizing and saying “no” to going places, doing things with people, etc., it can be easy for me to expect this to be one-sided. Meaning, they must take my “no,” but I don’t have to take theirs. That’s not right. It’s important for me to be able to ask for help when I need it, but the people I ask have every right to refuse. That’s why chronically ill must have a community around them. Caregivers have needs, too.

Everyone has the right to say “no” to anything. Their reason for it may be debatable, but they still have the right.

When someone says “no” to us, whether it be a romantic situation, a job issue, an argument, asking a favor, etc, it can be anywhere from a light tap to a full-on punch to the gut. OUCH!

Here are my suggestions when it hurts. Just suggestions. I am a coach. I am not a therapist or a doctor or anything like that.

1.        Before reacting, take a mental step back and reflect. Just what is this person saying “no” to? Is it a “no” to you specifically, or just to something they don’t want to do? Is it about you? Probably not.

2.        If it is about you? Is it a personal attack or is it justified? Be honest. Have you taken advantage of this person in the past? Does this person feel safe to be honest with you? Go to my “Perspectives Activity.” (If you don’t know what that is, message me. I’ll send you info on it.)

3.        Think on your own expectations for others and for yourself. Am I taking something in the tone it was intended? Yes, perspective is what really matters in the end, but our own perspective can shift with honesty and grace towards others. Does their intention match your perspective and vice versa?

4.        Does this warrant a discussion? Would it be best to simply accept the “no” and move on? The majority of the time, accepting and moving on is the correct response.

5.        Am I understanding this person’s boundaries properly? Am I overstepping by asking? Probably. However, this may be an opportunity to challenge someone such as a parent/child relationship, but only when appropriate and healthy.

6.        What is my relationship with this person? Is it time to take time for repair?

Sometimes, having a hard time accepting when someone says “no” is not about them. It’s about those of us who are controlling, people pleasers, or having expectations on other people we should not have. The best remedy for being able to take a “no” without injury is to detach from expectations. We have the right to ask. We do not have the right to think we know their answer before they give it.

My body is still working on forgiving me for all I have put it through. We have a complicated relationship. Don’t we all?

Just yesterday, I was at a quilt show with my sister. As we were leaving with my newly purchased materials and plans for future quilts, she correctly asked me, “How many projects do you have now?” Hm. I need to practice saying “no” to myself more often even in this season of warmer weather and meds that seem to be doing their job. Not that I won’t get to those projects. I will. I do, however, need to not take it personally when my body says, “No, Sarah. Not today.”

Much love to you. And thanks for reading.

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

Send me an email at humorinchaos@gmail.com

Find me at www.humorinchaos.com where you can also find my Humor In Chaos Podcast.

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