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Getting Coldplayed

Updated: Aug 13


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I haven't written a blog post in some time. I'm thoroughly occupied with the podcast and other life stuff. I debated for a while on whether or not to do a podcast episode or write a blog post on the Coldplay incident and/or subsequent attention with the memes and all. Considering how I have publicly talked about being betrayed in my own private life, although I have not stated how I was betrayed, it seems kind of ridiculous for me to remain silent.


I won't go into how I was betrayed. The details don't matter. It wasn't just in one category anyhow. There are more ways to betray someone than an affair. Any time a spouse hides something from their partner is a form of betrayal. There are only varying degrees. Suffice it to say, it was severe enough. I am not out to bash my ex. He is not an evil person. I know his history all too well. Besides, it wasn't all one-sided. I'm sure he felt betrayed by me at times as well.


Then why am I bothering to write a post about this? Because betrayal has the potential to be a huge trauma. It was for me. As I walked through it, I encountered many others on the same healing journey, women and men, because women betray their spouses too. They were all as devastated as I was.


Add to this the outrages rates of divorce when chronic illness enters the picture, especially when the wife is the one with the diagnosis. I won't state the rates because they vary a little depending on the source, but not by much. All the ones I looked at show the rates are far higher for divorce when the wife is ill. Men tend to leave more often. Plus, even though affair rates are increasing for women, they still lean towards men having the affairs. Betrayals on top of chronic illness, or chronic illness being triggered from the trauma of a betrayal creates a black hole in the psyche. I know that black hole all too well.


Given all of that, you would think I would not have laughed when the Coldplay incident came to light. On the contrary. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm still laughing. Why?


I'm not laughing at all the memes. I don't care for them. I find the memes rather sad in the face of the betrayed spouses who now have to navigate new lives for themselves, for finding themselves in positions they probably didn't see coming. Like being in a sudden major car accident, you wake up one day with all your appendages hanging up in the air in casts, unable to move, and in severe pain, knowing the life you knew will never be the same again. Discovery is a train wreck when it's private. To have it happen publicly? Ugh!


I laugh because society is finally getting a glimpse of that damage that cannot be ignored. Society has tried forever to keep these scandals behind closed doors, only to be brought out for display in gossip sessions at local coffee shops, work water coolers, and Sunday church services whispered between the pews. Frankly, that's all bullshit. Finally, it's out in the light, the effect of wifi and social media immediacy. However, it's getting re-buried behind the humor of memes and comedy. Talk about humor in chaos.


I'm laughing at the brief moment of time it's in everybody's face where we all have an opportunity to take an honest look at the human behavior of others and ourselves, an opportunity to take personal stock. Will we? Probably not. But we need to.


Here is an opportunity to take stock of how men hold other men accountable, and how women hold other women accountable. Will we take the opportunity? Probably not. Well, women seem to more so than men, but not by much.


In order to hold each other accountable, we have to hold ourselves accountable first. Who wants to do that? No one is comfortable looking in the mirror to see where they don't always do the right thing by their partner. Who hasn't gone out and purchased a dress or snuck in a Big Mac behind their spouse's back? Who hasn't committed the heinous act of watching a coveted show ahead of their partner because they just can't wait to see the next guilty scene even though they only have to wait until the next Wednesday to watch together. While these are much less severe, they are betrayals nonetheless.


At the same time, women have been asking men to hold other men accountable for sexual harassment and sexual assaults. Without men holding other men accountable, how can we expect things to get better? We can't. Women can't hold other men accountable. We've been trying since forever. We've given up and chosen the bear, which makes men angrier. We need other men to hold each other's feet to the proverbial marital bed fire.


Before anyone thinks I am all anti-divorce, I am not. I am anti-lying to your spouse and running away from your problems, and pro honest conversation in a safe environment. There are definitely times when divorce is the answer. Betrayal is never the answer.


Women don't do much better than men. We seem to be getting worse. After all, if a woman is having an affair, there must be a reason, right? There must be abuse. We forget that two wrongs don't make a right. If we do attempt to point that out, then we are the ones doing the wrong for being judgmental. I would argue, affairs are a form of abuse. The emotional damage is too much to say otherwise.


So, here we are as a society with an affair smack in our faces. Instead of using it as a mirror to look at ourselves, we use it as comedy fodder. Maybe that comedy fodder is how we are using it as a mirror? Maybe. Or is it to push the personal truth aside?


Why do I laugh? Because here is an important opportunity that I know will not be taken due to fear of ourselves as failed human beings. In other words, we are messing up this chance to make things better. Of course we are, because we are flawed humans.


Maybe, just maybe, someone is using this opportunity, this unbelievably public embarrassment, to say no to the person on the other side of the bar giving them that look. Maybe that other person is putting their credit card back into the wallet without buying time on that porn site. Maybe some men out there are coming up with new ways to mentor other men and some women are developing ways to mentor other women to make better decisions.


Here is an opportunity to look at why we betray the ones we claim to love, why we lie to those most devoted to us, and why we hurt those under our own roof.


I'm laughing because the public admonishments are private opportunities that probably will go unattended. Damn. What a waste of a good laugh.


Thanks for reading!


Sarah Hauer Nelson

Humor In Chaos



 
 
 

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